Building and Rebuilding
Building and Rebuilding
Identity. It is one of those components that is so integral to our lives and how we live, yet it is something that is so abstract to talk about. One’s identity is not simply established or set in stone. It is gradually built upon as one lives through their life, and it is molded by their life experiences. Pieces are added to our identities, and pieces are removed from our identities. While we choose which pieces are added and removed, our lives produce the pieces we choose from the experiences we endure. This is the story of how I pieced together my identity.
***
The problem with identity,
Is not the product,
But the building procedure,
That is required.
***
Even though I was born and raised in the United States, I was first raised as a devout Indian before being raised as a patriotic American. I am not talking about my upbringing with regards to politics or religion, but I am talking about my upbringing with regards to culture. Indian culture and American culture are very different and diverse from each other. These cultures are encompassed with varying social norms, traditional customs, and ethical values. Before I began going to preschool, I spent almost all my life in my home being conditioned under the lens of the Indian culture. I learned to act a certain way, I learned to believe a certain way, and I learned to adopt ethics a certain way. I had these particular pieces, and I added all of them to my identity. Before venturing away from home and attending preschool, I believed that my identity was composed of the Indian culture and only the Indian culture.
Although preschool is simply preschool, it was eye opening for me because it provided me with my first exposure to American culture. In preschool, I learned that there is more than one culture. I was caught in the crossfire. Did I want to adopt this American culture that I was newly exposed to in preschool? Or did I want to stay true to my roots and continue practicing the Indian culture that was engrained in me? I was forcing myself to choose between thisor that. At the time, I believed that I could only adopt one culture as part of my identity. However, I realized that the keyword was “part.” If my Indian culture is part of my identity, then why can my new American culture not be another part of my identity? I soon adopted both my Indian culture and American culture into my identity. Soon thereafter, I realized that these two cultures are simply parts of my identity. They are not my entire identity. Through the life experiences I garnered beyond preschool, I quickly learned that anything can be a part of my identity. Cultures, beliefs, morals, sports, and even hobbies can all be parts of my identity. They are all merely pieces, and it is up to me to choose from them.
***
Seeing the beautiful show piece in the conscience,
An identity made of one blue yonder soul,
With smooth finishes, sanded to perfection,
In the midst of being embellished with red velvet will.
***
Writing used to always be a pass time for me. As a child, I wrote novels and short stories. I would carefully stack dozens of sheets of printer paper on top of each other, and I would elegantly fold them on top of each other. Afterwards, I would gracefully insert staples on the creased folds, creating somewhat of a bind on the sheets of folded paper. Before middle school, I created several of these makeshift books so that I could write my detailed stories in them. I wrote about pirates sailing the seven seas and astronauts conquering galaxies. Once I got into middle school and high school, I learned about poetry. Poetry was different for me. While writing fictitious stories was a hobby, writing poetry was different. I fell in love with poetry because I did not find myself writing to anyone. I found myself writing to myself. My soul was communicating with my mind and vice versa through poetry. I used poetry not only as a method for exploring myself but also for discovering myself.
***
Ordering an identity of blue yonder,
Left me anxious but content.
It arrived, 31 minutes, 25 seconds, and 19 milliseconds later
On the box labeled “vital”, it says “fragile.”
***
Sports have always been an important part of my life, especially tennis and basketball. I was first introduced to tennis when I was in preschool. My father brought over his metal tennis racquets from India when he immigrated to the United States. Although we did not have any fancy aluminum tennis racquets, light-weight tennis shoes, or brand-new tennis balls, we still played the game to our best ability. We did not even have access to a tennis court or a portable tennis net. At the bottom of our driveway, we drew the outline of what seemed to be a tennis court in colorful chalk. We googled the dimensions of a standard sized tennis court, and we attempted to replicate the dimensions on the tarred pavement as best as we could. However, we could not do anything about the tennis net. It was simply invisible, and we imagined it. Although my first exposure to the sport of tennis was a botched version of it with substandard equipment, I still learned the value of the sport as an outlet for stress, exercise, and fun. Ever since that first tennis game I played with my father on the chalked tennis court at the bottom of our driveway, I added tennis as a piece to my life-long identity. As an avid tennis player, I went on to play tennis for my high school’s varsity team.
Basketball was a calling that I felt in elementary school. My family did not have much familiarity with the sport because it was not very prominent in India, but I was exposed to the sport during recess in elementary school. There would be five people against another five people, bouncing a reddish-brown inflated ball on the black top with hopes of throwing it into a hoop. I was perplexed by the game. Why did the players sitting on the sideline not join in with those on the black top? Why can there not be six players against six players? Why does it have to be five players versus five players? These were the questions that clueless younger me asked while I was first getting acquainted with the sport. My charismatic yet irritable friends answered my questions. I soon learned that basketball has a set of rules just as tennis has a set of rules. I stepped onto the black top for the first time to play the American sport of basketball. Aside from the fact that I was initially getting confused with the rules and the point system, I felt as if I was a natural at the sport. I began loving basketball not only because I found myself somewhat good at it but because of the teamwork that is involved in order to succeed. After forming a new passion for basketball, I added the sport as a part of my identity. I played in recreational leagues since a young age, and I quickly began playing basketball for my high school.
***
I opened the package and started to build,
Lamentably, there were 49 pieces, not 50.
One was missing, which meant only
49 of the 50 were mine.
***
Flying is not an innate ability that human beings possess. Nevertheless, billions of people fly around the world every year, and this statistic always fascinates me. While my family’s first interaction with aviation was physically getting on a plane and flying from India to the United States on a British Airways airliner, my first interaction with aviation was visiting the Wright Brothers National Memorial in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. The experimentation and trial-and-error process that the Wright Brothers underwent to make a wooden, cloth structure fly amazed me. The universe designed the eagle to fly, the whale to swim, and the human to walk. Humans were never genetically designed to fly. We were never supposed to fly, but we overcame this feat and earned the ability to fly just like eagles. Not only does the concept of flight fascinate me, but the technology behind it also fascinates me. The evolution of the airplane from a structure fabricated from wood and cloth to a structure assembled from carbon fiber and aluminum is astonishing. I witnessed the visual representation of this evolution at the Memorial, and I quickly joined the aviation community.
The first airplane that I flew on was a Boeing 747 from the United States to India. This was also the first time that I was visiting my relatives and friends in India. Shortly thereafter, I became accustomed to flying and learned that I enjoyed it. Internationally, I flew on the Boeing 747. Domestically, I flew on the Boeing 737. I soon began memorizing the names and attributes of each and every plane that I flew on. I essentially became an aviation geek. I even flew in a Bell 206 helicopter when I visited the Great Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. I sat in the co-pilot’s seat, and I simply stared in awe as I heard the pilot communicating with the air traffic control and saw the cyclic pitch lever and the collective pitch lever moving. I was fascinated by the scene as we flew from one side of the mountains to the other. I was enthralled by the ability of flight that airplanes and helicopters provided me. Moreover, I quickly learned that aviation connects cities, states, countries, and continents to each other. Flying allows me to not only experience the adrenaline rush of soaring through the skies, but it also allows me to visit relatives and friends around the world. As a proud aviation aficionado, I attached aviation to my ever-growing identity.
***
I built my blue yonder masterpiece,
I embraced my blue yonder masterpiece,
My blue yonder masterpiece was missing something,
So I broke my blue yonder masterpiece.
***
Throughout high school, I developed a secret passion for music, specifically electronic dance music. Since I was a child, I have been very fond of music. I developed an interest in electronic dance music after watching various artists on YouTube and live streams create sounds of the violin, guitar, piano, and drums. I was fascinated by these artists’ abilities to produce sounds of different instruments from just their laptop. Inspired by my desire to join the electronic dance community, but unsure until this point how to get started, I decided to take on the challenge of learning to compose electronic dance music. My research first led to my discovery of the Launchpad instrument. As I familiarized myself with the Launchpad and the accompanying Ableton software, I began to experiment with new sounds and composed my own original electronic dance music pieces.
No matter the emotions or moods I am feeling, I always resort to playing my Launchpad to express myself. I compose the sounds of the violin and piano when I am in sorrow, and I compose the sounds of the electric guitar and the drums when I am in jubilation. I am proud to have discovered an instrument that resonates with me and that allows me to express my thoughts, feelings, and values. While some could argue the Launchpad is not an instrument in the purest form like the violin, guitar, piano, and drums, I would argue that the Launchpad is a tool with endless musical capabilities. Although I did not initially gravitate towards a traditional instrument, I am forever grateful to have had the opportunity to experience, explore, and hone my passion for music. I eagerly added electronic dance music as a piece to my developing identity.
***
There it was, my blue yonder masterpiece,
Shattered into blue yonder chips, splinters, and dust,
My blue yonder masterpiece needed more.
I rebuilt it and added to it.
***
By living and appreciating the experiences that life presents before me, I have been able to add particular pieces to my identity. I would have never discovered my passion for tennis and basketball if I had not played the two sports. I would have never discovered my passion for aviation if I never visited the Wright Brothers National Memorial. I would have never discovered my passion for electronic dance music if I never listened to musical artists on YouTube. I know that I will continue to build my identity as I continue to live. It is never set in stone, and it is simply not based on a singular part. Tennis, basketball, aviation, and electronic dance music are all integral parts of my identity. However, I need to keep in mind that I will continue to add new parts to my identity and remove old parts from my identity. My identity is my life, and my life is my identity.
***
Problem with Identity
The problem with identity,
Is not the product,
But the building procedure,
That is required.
Seeing the beautiful show piece in the conscience,
An identity made of one blue yonder soul,
With smooth finishes, sanded to perfection,
In the midst of being embellished with red velvet will.
Ordering an identity of blue yonder,
Left me anxious but content.
It arrived, 31 minutes, 25 seconds, and 19 milliseconds later
On the box labeled “vital”, it says “fragile.”
I opened the package and started to build,
Lamentably, there were 49 pieces, not 50.
One was missing, which meant only
49 of the 50 were mine.
I built my blue yonder masterpiece,
I embraced my blue yonder masterpiece,
My blue yonder masterpiece was missing something,
So I broke my blue yonder masterpiece.
There it was, my blue yonder masterpiece,
Shattered into blue yonder chips, splinters, and dust,
My blue yonder masterpiece needed more.
I rebuilt it and added to it.
Aditya Kotha is a writer from Richmond, Virginia. He is an Honors undergraduate student studying biology, chemistry, and psychology at the Virginia Commonwealth University. Outside of academics, Aditya likes to write prose and poetry and delves in the genres of nonfiction and fiction. This is his first literary publication.
